Days 3, 4 and 5

So it´s been a few days. I haven´t written anything, because frankly nothing super exciting has happened. It´s been pretty normal life here in Spain, which is exactly what I wanted to see. I got super lost on the metros last night, well not so much lost as missed my last train and had to head back into the city to take a bus home. I called Carmen, my host mother, and she was very helpful in giving me directions to the bus station. When I got off my train and got to the bus station she was there waiting for me, unexpectedly. She had a good laugh at my expense. I really like this woman. I´m looking for the hidden treasures of this city. Wandering around it is easy to find the tourist sites without any previous knowledge or much research about the city. I ended up at Plaça del Sol a couple of days ago which is a huge shopping area in beautiful old buildings. I went into H&M for the first time and looked for some wild European shoes. Didn´t really find anything. Actually H&M was a little unimpressive. I´ve found a Spanish thrift store on the internet that I am going to today. It is called Humana. Also there are a couple other vintage stores and record stores I´m going to check out in the Malasaña district.

This used to be where all the goths hung out in the 70´s and 80´s. Now, I doubt there is much counter culture there. At least there should be some more wicked graffiti.

Estrella is very busy studying for her classes right now. When I try to speak to her in English she seems kind of lost and distracted. I told her I wasn´t trying to teach her anything new yet, I just wanted to practice with her. Carmen, asked me last night if I would want to spend the rest of summer with them in Valencia. Of course I would love to, but I have to get back to school. Being here really makes me want to finish my classes so I can move on with the rest of my life.


I´m leaving for Berlin this coming Saturday and will be gone for 6 days. I wish I had left sooner, because as it is I am in dire need of some companionship. The city is really beautiful and there are plenty of things to do, but after getting yourself lost in the museum or arts district, Paseo del Prado, for about 3 hours you kind of wish you could be sharing these adventures with someone. Or at least someone worthwhile. I´ve met a few people here whose company I´ve really enjoyed, but life gets in the way of itself and most of these people have jobs or families: normal lives to attend to. It´s hard to connect with people at a fifteen minute tea time. I´ve been reading a lot and meditating as well. So life is pretty great, just in a bit of a lull for now. Well, I hope everybody is great in the states. I feel like my blogs have turned a bit soft for now. Keep checking back and I´should have something exciting in a little while.

La Policia, Day 2 Madrid

¡Things are looking up! I don´t think they were ever really looking down, but I was feeling very nervous about staying here with the family and how we would get along. The family I am living with has had many young women come stay with them over the years and so they are very much accustom to cultural differences and are very understanding. They like my tattoos and don´t mine me smoking cigarettes outside (two things I was very worried about). Also, Estrella (my student) is busy studying for exams until the 5th of June and so I am pretty much free to settle in and get to know life here until then. This is also perfect because I am leaving for Berlin this coming Saturday and will return on the 5th of June. In the meantime I can prepare my lesson plans and get to know Estrella´s level of English.

Last night Carmen, la madre, and I went to the theater with a couple from Argentina. The musical was a satire on a very famous opera here in Madrid. It was at a local theater here in the suburb of Rivas Vacia. The couple from Argentina were very nice. I understood them somewhat better than I understand Carmen because they do not speak with the Spanish lisp. I love the Spanish accent but it is tiring to listen to. I have to really listen intently to people when they speak, which is kind of a gift in itself, but it is difficult. I am constantly translating everything into English in my head. After a week or so of this I should start thinking in Spanish and (if I´m lucky) dreaming in spanish too. ¡Woo hoo! These are the most difficult days, the first few.

On our way home last night Carmen talked a lot about her friends and other immigrants to Spain and the difficulties they encounter. Apparently there are many immigrants in Spain, about half of the population actually. We talked about the economy some and about her now deceased husband. I asked Carmen where she worked and she kind of laughed. "Estoy la policia español." No way, for real?? I was totally in shock. She has worked for the Spanish police since 1970. She used to work in the field but now she works at a desk. This woman is totally amazing. I wish you all could see the relationship she has with her daughters (there are two others whom do not live here). Maybe because I come from a broken home it is more amazing to me. Carmen is a rock for her family. They are all so close. A piece of me is jealous. I am glad this is my family too if only for a month and a half. As we pulled into the drive I asked her if it were permissable to smoke in the garden. "Sí, espere no mariajuana?" No way, this lady just asked me totally seriously if I were going to smoke pot in her yard? No, I said "Solo tabac." I couldn´t stop laughing. I guess you had to be there, but it was pretty great.

I feel pretty silly taking pictures of everything here, but I will take some of the house soon. I am hoping I can go into the city sometime this evening. Carmen has given me a curfew of eleven because this is when the metros stop running. Also, I think she is nervous about letting me travel about alone. Hopefully I can show her that I am intelligent enough to do so.

I hope you all are well in the states wherever you may be reading this from. ¡Ciao for now amigos!

Epiphany!

I just realized that I have invited many people to read this blog and have not explained the title of my blog to you, the reader. The Communist Daughter is a song by a band called Neutral Milk Hotel and really has nothing to do with communism and everything to do with the life and attitude of a girl growing up in a communist country. Please do not take offense to this title. I am not a supporter of communism.

Ok, phew now that that is cleared up we can continue...

Madrid, Day 1

I flew in from Barcelona yesterday. Today is my first full day in Madrid. The family I am staying with consists of two people, a mother and a daughter. Carmen es la madre and Estrella es la hija. Estrella is 16. The language barrier is somewhat difficult, because although I speak a lot of Spanish, there are many things I do not understand and the people here speak extremely fast.

My last night in Barcelona was absolutely amazing. I hung out with a group of like 15 kids from all over Europe and the States whom were working as club and bar promoters to stay afloat. We walked all around Las Ramblas until about 6am when the metro reopened and I could catch a ride back home. I wish I could have stayed in Barcelona longer to get to know these kids more. They were amazing and definitely my favorite part of Spain thus far.

I fell asleep at like 7pm and slept until about 7am this morning. Too much sleep. I feel kind of strange now and I have to get into the groove of Madrid. It is much easier in Barcelona because it is smaller and everything flows into itself. The metro is more simple and being on my own I could do whatever I wanted when I wanted. Now I am under the roof of Carmen and I have to respect her home and her wishes. She is at work right now. I imgaine we will talk about rules and expectations when she returns. I am really nervous today because I am afraid that I will not live up to the expectations of the family. I have to start working on my lesson plan and I´m not really sure where to begin because I do not know what Estrella´s level of English is. I guess this is the challenge, right? I feel like a little kid again. I forgot about all my responsibilities for a few days having fun in Barcelona. I forgot why I was here. Although I had an amazing time my last couple nights before coming to Madrid, I think it is best if I forget it now so that I can press on and do what is needed of me. What a hard thing to forget.

Day 2, Sagrada Familia

Hola Chicos y Chicas. This is going to be kind of short today. Yesterday was exhausting. I really thought I as going to expel jetlag by some mental force. I figured I hardly sleep much as it is and my diet back home consists of a steady stream of energy drinks and cigarettes, so if I just keep up the pattern I ought to be great, right? As I discovered yesterday at about 5pm yesterday, my body is totally confused and my brain has little power to control. It is a little difficult to maintain a positive mood when you feel this way, but it is difficult to not be totally stoked when you're chillin in BCN.

Yesterday we went to a flea market called Els Encants east of the city, Pl de les Glories Catalanes. It was pretty rad, except that we woke up pretty late and missed a lot of the vendors. After that we went walked around the Sagrada Familia, which is a cathedral built by the famous architect Gaudi. He died in 1926 and was unable to finish the project. It's expected completion is 2030. It is totally amazing.

After that we went to the Parc Ciutatella and then walked round Las Ramblas. I went to hang out with some friends of Bill for about an hour and then afterwards Leon and I went home. We had wanted to go out dancing, but by the time 9pm rolled around we were exhausted.

I am having some trouble posting photos today. If you can, here is a link to my facebook album from Spain and the last few days in Denton. Hopefully everyone can see it:

Conoceme

Hope you all are having amazing days in the states!! Ciao.

Santa Maria de Feira, Day 1 Barcelona

I'm wide awake. I don't know how. I am still trying to convince myself that I am actually here. I feel amazing. I am indulging in pure bliss. I made Leon breakfast. He neglected to tell me that he did not like peppers. I used three different kinds in my eggs. Oh well, I thought it was great.

Leon lives in a suburb of Barcelona called el Fondo. There are very few tourists here, none in fact. I appear to be a sideshow attraction. I am not wholly unaccustom to this. There are many immigrant families here. Little kids playing soccer in the streets. Old men smoking in door stoops. Women carrying bags of vegetables. This is normal life. I feel lucky to see this part of it all. There is a large draw of tourists to stay in the center of the city. El Fondo is one of the furthest suburbs from the center. Still it is only a 15 minute subway ride to anywhere your heart could desire. There are so many beautiful things to see here I feel I should have stayed in Barcelona longer. As it is I am leaving here the day after tomorrow for Madrid to begin my teaching position.

Last night we went to a bar called the Marmalade and then to another called the Big Bang with a group of CSers (Couch Surfers) from the Barcelona group. There were so many people from so many places all speaking Spanish so very fast. I met a girl from Austria, another from Finland and three others from Australia. One guy was from Belgium, one from Israel, one from France, one from the Dominican Republic. There were some Spaniards, but most of them relocated from other places a long time ago. Barcelona is truly an international city, made up almost entirely of immigrants. Both the bars were beautifully decorated. They reminded me of places I've been in Los Angeles, dark holes in the wall where the hip crowd wastes hours sipping caña and vino. The Big Bang played nickelodeon music. Pictures of silent film stars lined the walls. Towards the end of the night, as the wine settled well into it's vessels a couple of young men began to approach me con los piropos. "Tu eres muy muy guapa chica!" "Ven conmigo y voy a darte el ultimo tiempo de tu vida." "No seas, preocupa. Solo quiero besarte."

"No, gracias. No quiero." I wasn't sure what else to say. Too little sleep, too many people. No I do not want to go with you tonight sr, but thank you for the offer. Hopefully I will learn how to handle this a little better as I imagine it will happen often. I am too nice. "Back the fuck up man, I don't want to sleep with you." This is what I should have said. Honestly, I was a little flattered. Still, what is a girl to say??










Walking home at 2am was amazing. Leon and I danced around in the streets and fumbled with apertures. The graffiti here is everywhere and it is complex and beautiful. Walking down las Ramblas groups of men carry six packs of beer. "Cerveza, hash, coke?" The beer is a cover up. One guy asks if we want beer when he has none in his hands. A poor cover up, Leon points out. We bought a samosa on the street for one euro and hopped on the night bus back home. I almost fell asleep on the bus. This was my favorite part of the night. The town was as active as if it were 2pm and everything felt like a dream. Cheesy I know, but I'm not sure how else to explain it to you. I feel uplifted. Renewed. This is my life and I am finally living it for me.




Today we will go to el Barri Gotic. I really want to go to the beach, but I do not know if we will have time. At 8p I will meet up with Bill W. for about an hour. I will try to keep this updated daily, but I've had some trouble with my european converter and I have to try and find a new one. Until then my laptop is dead. Leon has been kind enough to let me use his computer, but I do not want to expect that this will continue. I'd like to say I miss everyone, but that would be a lie. I never want to leave. I could easily make this my home. Ciao amigos!

18 May 009, JFK, NY

New York and Los Angeles are indistinguishable from the sky. There are suburbs, track homes, consumerist villages and non-native trees. There are skyscrapers and an ocean. Even in the airport the people look the same. The businessmen & women, the transients, the students, the TSA employees. I walked outside to light a fix and check out possible photo ops. Someone bums from me. The airport employee is impressed with my carton of smokes. He is impressed by my clothing, the size of my bag and the ease with which I carry it. He is impressed. I feel the same. He tells me his name is William. I tell him mine and I feel like I'm lying. He says, "See you soon I hope!" I say the same. There are millions of people in New York. Many impressive people. Today I am one of them. I will never see William again.

35

She who is centered in the way can go where she wishes, without any danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart.

I can feel the moments pass through me today. Quick whips of sadness lick my center and then are gone. It's a satisfying kind of feeling, knowing I can let these things go. I am not alone... I feel you here with me. For that I am grateful. I have only a few hours left til departure and I am satisfied with the present. Today in Denton, tomorrow New York, the next Barcelona. All these things will pass and I will still be here breathing, feeling, thinking. Molding myself into what I will become, patiently. It is easier to be alone than to be with someone and feel oh so lonely. With this I am satisfied because I feel it is real.

Chester the cat is getting huge and he , like most young men, has become a budding prick. It's funny to watch him get into all sorts of trouble and terrorize my friend Micheal's house today. It reminds me of all the mistakes I've made, being so young and so reckless. Denton is more beautiful today than I have seen it in a long time. What a wonderful parting gift. My entire apartment is empty except for those two suitcases I am taking and the Chrome bag my mother gave me for Christmas. Some days I crave conversations with my mother, like I crave alcohol, or empty relationships. Masohistic dilemma. I've begun to enjoy the suffering in not indulging those measures of instant gratification. Switch addict. Satiate. Full. Fully-empty. I feel my ears growing, my hair graying, my teeth rotting and it reminds me to smile. My skin is stretching in waves. I cannot escape that feeling. So I sit here now. In it. Calm. I'll see you on the other side.

little baby

Swollen and pink
Getting bigger and smaller
The sheet is transparent
While it floats over me

Toying with basics
I feel myself smaller
You fall out of view
I am all I can see

free falling again

Will power and the infinite darkness: the perpetual images burnt into my mind. You cannot see the path ahead, but you trust that it is there and press on. Your waltz down the path is dependent on that trust. How many times has faith failed you? Me, I cannot count anymore. It is apparent at times that this gives me strength, other times insanity. I'm always pushing sometimes too hard, sometimes not at all. I am in a constant state of sickness and the antidote for these depths into infinity is to only dig further. To really see what lay upon the other side. Or really, to see if you have what it takes to get there. It is the journey that matters, right? Are there those who do not venture to make the journey? Are they happy in their sublime bliss? Are their depths less than mine? Maybe we all find it in our way. Somehow I feel very alone in all of these transformations, from insanity to clarity and back again. I'm thankful I have eyes to see and a heart to hear, because otherwise I feel I would be lost forever. My intuition tells me that many people will always be lost. Most people in fact. If reincarnation were fact it might explain the exponential population growth (because science is irrelevant right now in my world). Too many souls refuse to see the path so they all keep coming back again and again??? Madness? Maybe probably. That statement feels esoteric in nature, as if I have something everyone else does not. In the words of The Great Dr. Orpheus, "I only know that I know nothing." These are just some thoughts I've had as of late.

So I am and will forever be perpetually ill. It is the human condition. My self awareness is my sanctity, but today I feel, that is where it ends. The problem with self betterment is never feeling good enough. Who will love the girl who may never get well, when in fact she seems to be incapable of loving herself? I don't know if that is entirely true. I am growing on me. Surely there are things I admire. Then again, who knows how I will feel tomorrow. These words already feel a little foreign... soon enough they will be.

All those big words

Sister is ready not ready is ready not ready is now is now is now is not ready ready.

She cannot respond
There are no words to say
Ready not ready now I'm...
Is this 1 minus the numbness?
I wouldn't call it numb
She was just pretending then
Now this is real
Now this is this is this is
Something else entirely
Creeps up from the fissures
Pours in through the seams
You couldn't see it
You're not looking
Bounce to and fro; spontaneity
Erratic behavior
I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE
You're not the only one
There are billions just like you

You remind me of home
The paint cracks when the water leaks from the rusty pipes that are just beneath my feet
You remind me of home
The heater's warm but fills the room with a potpourri of dust and gas fumes

You remind me of home
A broken bed with dirty sheets that creaks when I am shifting in my sleep
You remind me of home
In a suburban town with nothing to do, patiently waiting for something to happen

But the foundation is crumbling
And becoming one with the ground
While you lay there in slumber
You're wasting your life
Wasting your life

You remind me of home
Sitting on a thrift store couch, I'm trying to get this all down
-Ben Gibbard

Clark Gabel

Hey, you know, everything's gonna be ok.
I am finally saying good night. If you love something you give it away. I am feeling free. It is lonely and I am kind of scared. I know I'll never be alone. I'll never fall so hard that I cannot get back up. I jump at new opportunities. I check my intentions. I keep myself honest. I allow the lump in my throat. I can't fight it anymore. I embrace the clarity of painful realizations. I accept the finite nature of destiny. I eat when I'm hungry, sleep when I'm tired, embrace when I feel love and cry when I'm sad. I can no longer call the shots. Shit, I don't want to anymore. I'll give up my will to one who knows better. I breathe you in and breathe out my fears. I walk forward step by step and day by day: sometimes quickly sometimes slowly... always forward.

when the world has turned
paralyzed and wrong
cold blooded claws
never offered anything at all
past the point of love
shattered and untied
waiting to pick up the pieces
that make it all alright

but pieces of what
pieces of what
pieces of what
doesn't matter any more

moonlight on my floor
shining through the roof
they got the city surrounded
as if I needed proof
i forgot my fear
feelings on the rise
burying all of the pieces
falling from the sky

but pieces of what
pieces of what
pieces of what
we used to call home
pieces of what
we used to call home

when i drank your tea
and shallow water still
at the belgian gates
i waited for my meal

-MGMT

Shedding the pelage

My skin stretches every day
I can feel it burning
The unbearable pain
The temporary torment of growth
I see I can bear anything
I've learned all I can from you

'I know what I want and I'll do it til it's done so I can be the dream I've wanted to be since day one.'

This is the moment that you know
That you told her that you loved her but you don't.
You touch her skin and then you think
That she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.
Yeah, she is beautiful but she don't mean a thing to me.

Wanted to believe in all the words that i was speaking
As we moved together in the dark
And all the friends that i was telling
And all the playful misspellings
And every bite i gave you left a mark

Tiny vessels oozed into your neck
And formed the bruises
That you said you didn't want to fade

But they did and so did i that day

On my own now, I play alone now

There is so much to do in such a short amount of time. Such is life. We are certainly on borrowed time. I have posted some poetry in the last few hours, but realistically this blog will become a travel log for my thoughts, pictures and stories.

Here is my itinerary for the following weeks:

May 15th, Friday- Finals are over
May 16th Saturday- Adrian arrives in Denton!
May 17th Sunday- Move out of my apartment
May 18th Monday- 11:45a flight from DFW to JFK, New York, then from JFK to BCN, Barcelona
Ma7 19th Tuesday- 8:45a arrive at BCN, meet Leon!
May 22nd, Friday- Early morning orientation in Barcelona, evening flight to Madrid to meet Carmen and Estrella!
May 30th, Saturday- Fly from MAD to Berlin, arrive at 7:45pm. Meet Ines!!!!!!
June 4th, Thursday- Fly from Berlin to MAD
June 30th- Fly to BCN
July 1st- Fly home

This is going to be an amazing trip. I am looking forward to it with every cell in my being. Stay posted for more stories and events.


Here is a pic from my last trip to Long Beach, CA to visit a super close friend.



IF you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

-Kipling

---

la fe

endless ending
My silence speaks Volumes
I've said too much
You cut off the current
Before my hand was dealt

There was faith in nothing
'I'll always be there'
As long as I chose
The best song, the right hair

The switch can't be turned
It's been ripped at the wires
I've stepped from the room
All bright and perspired

Drunk on those words
I let you misshape
I'll face my own faults
While you choose escape

Borrowed time wasted

A lot of this is old poetry. Some of it is new. It doesn't matter what is what. It needs out.

Untitled
A photograph cannot retain
The memory of feel
Days can pass
And I cannot
Recall the painful metamorphosis
From tragedy to peace

Therein I find a fatal flaw
To which I indulge
Taking pictures of
Everything I've already done and said



Years Pass
Even the ruins cannot withstand
To orbit round the sun
Still I'm here to reconcile
All I've left of the past
A bleak and fading memory
Accentuated by my own ruins
A decade of nostalgia
Stashed away
Between the approaching
Enemy of Progress
And my dirty feet

Tell me, to whom do I owe
For all the muddled aspirations of my youth?

Donna dice, "no siento bella."

Casi los tengo
Los momentos conmigo
Solo en los pensamientos
Cuando el cielo mira claro
y La mente siente tranquilo
Estoy lista por todas
Las cosas que evito
En las mañanas y todos los días

Fue evitadote
Ahora, no está necessario
Solo puedo evitarme
Dejasteme
Evitasme

Estoy peleando por nada

"Nobody broke your heart. You broke your own cause you can't finish what you start."
-Elliot Smith

Maybe we will meet again in another life when we are both cats.

I can't explain
Everyone keeps saying
Same thing
You must be sad

I guess I'll tell you
It's not the same thing
It took a while but I'm doing ok

We played a long time
We got along fine
And just like you I can't believe it's through.
Believe it.

Me and you.
I'm on my own now
I play alone now
I'd like to say that I'm kind of scared

What if I lose it
I've been known to panic
I make myself sick 'cause I've got bad nerves
I've got bad nerves.
Oh my nerves

I know you better than I ever have
As my memory slips into the past
Now is now is now
is now is
'We're all on borrowed time'
I'd like to borrow some of yours

We laid in the graveyard
Nothing could break us, except each other
Here I am still picking up the pieces
Yours never cut me, I cut myself

It took a while, but I'm ready now
Ready to face it
Nothing endures but endurance itself
I'm ready to stop running
Ready to face you